Sign Up for our newsletter

Woodworm in anti-vaxxers' heads demand covid jabs

By Leppy Pardalis

Woodworm occupying the dense skulls of the nation’s anti-vaxxers are calling on the NHS to provide covid jabs.

Their trade union, the Amalgamated Association of Wood-Boring Weevils, Beetles and Affiliated Insects, has approached the Government in a bid to ensure its demand is met.

Spokesweevil Penelope Pentarthrum said: “Members of our organisation who live and work in the heads of anti-vaxxers perform a vital service to the human race.

“Were it not for those brave woodworm breaking down the near-intractably dense fibre lurking between the closed ears of these people, the gormless dunces would undoubtedly take centuries to fully decompose upon dying, or else have to be put through the crematorium an extra two or three times on the highest setting. Either way, disposing of them would represent an environmental disaster.

“In view of that fact, and in view of the danger our members willingly place themselves in while aboard these plague-tempting simpletons, the least the human race can do is find some way of ensuring they’re vaccinated. And perhaps guarantee a peaceful retirement in a nice old piece of furniture somewhere on the south coast. Bournemouth, perhaps.

“A round of applause from the public now and again wouldn’t do any harm, either. You shouldn’t do it near anti-vaxxers, obviously, as that might encourage them. Just do it wherever you find little holes in your wooden fixtures and fittings and we’ll make sure the message is passed on.”