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Woman prepares for virtual Glastonbury by inviting hippies to shit in her garden

By Leppy Pardalis

“We all have to make sacrifices because of covid but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make our virtual Glastonbury experience as authentic as possible,” said college lecturer Dorothy Kent as grotty old hippies queued to crap in an overflowing portable toilet among her geraniums.

She plans to watch the virtual festival in her back garden.

“Like a lot of hard core Glastonbury fans I thought last year’s virtual event, even though the organisers made a massive effort, just wasn’t the same,” added Ms Kent as a toxic mung bean and lentil-fuelled stench mingled with a thick patchouli oil miasma and knocked leaves from trees as far as nine gardens away.

“This time around I vowed that if it had to go virtual again I’d be ready.

“There’s a bunch of manky old hippies who drink in a forgotten corner of my local pub where nobody normal will sit for fear of catching scabies, and I heard they’d been evicted from the abandoned lock-up where they’d been squatting, so I put a portable toilet in my back garden and told them they were welcome to use it any time.

“It was soon overflowing nicely.”

The public health hazard is just one of several strategies planned by Ms Kent to make her virtual Glastonbury experience as authentic as possible.

She also plans to sell herself some loose paracetamol and a small quantity of dried parsley wrapped in silver paper for fifty quid, and will watch the festival on her tablet - which she will place on a stand at the far end of the garden so she can barely see or hear anything.

“The only thing missing,” she said, “will be tossers waving big signs or filming it all on their mobiles so even my limited view is blotted out, but you can’t have everything.”