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Under-30s to be offered alternative to Matt Hancock

By Leppy Pardalis

Urgent efforts are being made to offer under-30s an alternative to Health Secretary Matt Hancock.

The presence of Mr Hancock during efforts to reduce people’s susceptibility to covid has already been linked with some rare but nevertheless highly unpleasant side effects in people above the age of 30, and especially in those aged 40 and above.

These include - but are not limited to - outbursts of anger, deep-seated feelings of horror and disgust, general unhappiness, grinding cynicism and an overwhelming sense that Mr Hancock is merely one suit-load of bugger-all among the morass of suit-loads of bugger-all which has the collective temerity to describe itself as a Government.

However, the latest medical research has revealed that in the under-30s the risks associated with Mr Hancock are even more serious.

One unnamed data-gatherer said: “Under-30s tested with exposure to Matt Hancock report such intense existential despair that they are unable to function as human beings.

“Typical adverse reactions included that of a previously healthy and happy 26-year-old who was left wondering what was the point in breathing, let alone attempting to be a member of society, when all anybody had to look forward was shiny, gibbering posh face after shiny, gibbering posh face spouting utter crap every day for the rest of time while nothing ever, ever, ever got better.

“Clearly, an alternative to Matt Hancock must be found for the under-30s, and found very quickly indeed.”

Trials of alternatives to Matt Hancock have begun at locations throughout the country, and preliminary results suggest a number of stimuli have produced a more positive response in the under-30s than the Health Secretary.

They include a jigsaw with a piece missing, a partially-sucked Fox’s Glacier Fruit, a dead rat on a stick and a small box of pubes.