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Trump tells America: If I can't have you, nobody can

By Leppy Pardalis

President Donald Trump has told America that he refuses to allow it to be with anyone except him.

“If I can’t have you, nobody can,” insisted the increasingly embittered and deranged soon-to-be former leader of the free world.

“I’m the most terrific President of all the Presidents who were ever President. It’s not over until I say it’s over.”

His comments came in the wake of several speeches in recent days during which he refused to concede defeat gracefully, insisting that the Democrats had stolen the election by playing the dastardly trick of securing more votes.

He has also been sending America harassing messages on social media, which some commentators claim are more than a bit stalkerish.

Details of what he meant when he said nobody else could have America are thin on the ground, but President Trump’s most recent comments came shortly before the announcement of major policy initiatives for the remaining month or so of his presidency.

Among the most significant of these is a radical strategy for tackling the ongoing covid-19 pandemic, which is understood to involve having sufferers vaccinate the rest of the population by going for a leisurely swim in their nearest reservoir, being sure not to bother getting out to look for a lavatory should they happen to be caught short.

In the foreign policy arena, the President has ordered that key officials continue to be sent to the world’s most volatile trouble spots, equipped with great big pots of shit and wooden spoons.

In other news, the White House today took delivery of several thousands of gallons of gasoline and a Zippo lighter.