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Tory Party Conference running desperately low on whitewash, sources confirm

By Norman Smee

The Conservative Party Conference may have to prematurely end due to running completely dry on supplies of Whitewash, sources have confirmed.

This week’s Manchester-based gathering of the least troubled, most ivory-towered, gaily clueless people in society had been going very well until about Wednesday, when the sudden sound of barrels being scraped could be heard from as far away as Liverpool.

One source told the News Elephant: “I’ve just checked in the cellar, and the amount of whitewash left in there is dangerously low.

“We’re even out of the basic constituents of whitewash too – hogwash, codswallop and balderdash – most of those reserves were used up on day one, with the final gallons being lavishly drunk during Boris’ speech.

“Without a steady supply of whitewash, the Tories will be unable to continue their festival of pretending everything is OK whilst the country they’re in charge of falls to utter shit around them.”

The original plan was to have this mini-enclave of well-off Tories exist forever, while Rome burned harmlessly in the background behind a fluorescent jacketed wall of power tripping rent-a-cops, but it may now be forced to wrap up its self-congratulatory orgy of denialism as soon as this Friday.

Our source added: “This would force its currently euphoric attendees to come crashing back down to reality - or at least as close as they’re able to get to it whilst still remaining a member of the Conservative Party.”