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Tory MP watching porn in Parliament just a bit confused by the term 'mass debate'

By Terry Aki

“Phwoar!” said an anonymous Tory MP today who had just been caught watching porn during a session of Parliament.

The red-faced MP who is being treated anonymously but could be any of any number of Westminster’s many male Tory MPs, tries desperately to get his phone screen off his saved PornHub page, but realises that he has been spotted watching ‘rumpy pumpy call girls dressed up as plumbers’ once again.

He said: “I’ve got to try and be a bit more discreet. I just get confused sometimes when the Speaker of the House Lindsey Hoyle announces that there will now be a mass debate. Phnnar. Phnnar.

“It’s an addiction really. I’m afraid watching female MPs cross and uncross their legs just doesn’t do it for me like it seems to satisfy the rest of my Tory colleagues.

“There’s nothing like watching a bit of female plumber on female plumber action whilst the rest of Parliament is debating the cost of living crisis until they’re blue in the face.

“I’ll probably get a slap on the wrist for being a naughty boy now that I’ve been caught. In my head I’m imagining that it will be Home Secretary Priti Patel who does the honours and somehow all my clothes fall off during the interaction.”

Parliament is now holding an inquiry into the endemic sexism and misogyny in Westminster but has already been criticised for playing the Benny Hill theme tune during the session.

A parliamentary spokesperson said: “We really have to go like the clappers to deal with this sexist culture. We need to go down on it and really pump MPs for information until they spill. Oooh Matron! Phwoar!”