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Tory MP Lee Anderson generously offers up his own throat to all those 'taking a knee' during the Euros

By Norman Smee

Some Tory MP no one’s ever heard of has said a thing, according to reports.

The thing, which fell out of his mouth a few hours ago, was unusual in that it wasn’t about the usual Tory go-to distraction topics such as flags, ‘kids today’, or that old stalwart, the rights of statues – but about football players.

Specifically, those in the England team who have said they will continue to ‘take a knee’ during the upcoming Euro 2020 Championships taking place across Europe this month.

MP Lee Anderson, who represents the ballachingly safe tory seat of Privileged-on-Shire or something, said that England players should not be ‘taking a knee’ during the Euros, because doing so could injure them, and has therefore offered up the much softer, squishier, ground of his own throat to stage the protests during the tournament.

During games, the MP said, he will simply lie on the Wembley pitch whilst the players take a 2-second knee on his throat in procession, thus protecting our best players from calamity and at the same time, severely winding one of our most opinionated minor politician’s that no one’s ever heard of until they say something idiotic on social media.

Footie expert Michaela Jamal, who welcomed the Tory MP’s thing, said: “The England team are doing the ‘taking a knee’ protest as part of a wider point to draw attention to the appalling levels of racial abuse black football players receive online, and in the stands, and at home, and anywhere else they happen to be, purely for the crime of being black.

“No one, whatever their politics, ought to be opposed to such anti-racism protests, but inevitably some twats have decided that it needs to be about them, so they’ve decided to boo the 2-second gesture as if it’s somehow ruining their lives, hiding behind the cowardly catch-all, sham defence for spineless pussies ‘it’s because it’s political’ - despite the purely anti-racism protest not representing any particular party or group.

“And yes this includes Black Lives Matter, you fucking dolt, who are NOT a political party, should any idiots need reminding.

“It is an anti-racism gesture that is about as ‘political’ as one of your nan’s cherry bakewell slices. So it’s fantastic that Mr Anderson has decided to help out in this way, and engage his windpipe for the good of the nation.

“For if he wasn’t engaging his throat this way christ knows what insulting, clueless, ill-thought-through reductionist toxic noise would otherwise be emanating from it. I dread to think”