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By Livi Ngroom
Cornwall is to close its borders to outsiders after being designated as Tier One in the latest round of Government coronavirus measures for England.
To keep people out, the Cornish have assembled a crack squadron made up of Doc Martin, Rick Stein and Jethro who will patrol up and down the border throwing pasties at any grockles trying to make their way from other disease-ridden parts of the country.
Speaking from his base at The Eden Project, county council leader Julian German said: “Ah, my lover, we will keep those emmets and incomers aaarght of precious Cornwall dreckly.
“We’ve worked hard rigging the mainsails from Polperro to Newquay to make sure that there coronavirus is kept to a minimum for us to be in Tier 1 and we won’t be having any flotsam and jetsam from those other northern counties coming along to tar our britches with infectious disease as that would get us right jumping.”
The only other areas in the UK that have been given Tier One status are the Isle of Wright and the Isles of Scilly as like everyone else even coronavirus had completely forgotten they existed.
The Government is now thought to be considering keeping the north and the Midlands locked down in Tier Three status on a permanent basis even when the pandemic is over. Just because.