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By Kit Chentable

NHS staff across the country were elated last night after learning that The Government is proposing to give them a 1% pay rise which would amount to an extra £3.50 per week take home for an experienced nurse.

Donna Nightingale, a nurse from Blackburn, said: “I’m just so pleased that we are being honoured by The Government in this way. I was feeling really depressed after working 14 hour days on the frontline during this pandemic saving countless lives but still having to go to a foodbank because my wages weren’t enough.

“But now, with this extra £3.50 a week, I can really splash the cash, probably on some Pot Noodles to ensure that I don’t starve. I’ve never been so happy. Just call me Miss Moneypants from now on!

“They didn’t have to do this for us as they’ve already done so much like calling for people to clap their appreciation from their doorsteps during lockdown. I found the ‘clap’ really picked my mood up as I scrabbled around in the bins looking for some scraps to feed my family every week.”

The final decision on the salary payrise will be taken in May and Donna definitely has her fingers crossed for the 1% pay rise.

“Just think of all the things I could buy,” She said.

“With this three and a half quid windfall I could buy myself an inflatable pillow for when I have to sleep standing up in a corridor full of dying asthmatics! Or I could put it towards the 5% extra my council tax has just gone up by! I live in a one-bedroom bedsit with no roof and this windfall might cover almost half of it!

“I could also buy a pair of noise-cancelling earmuffs so I can’t hear the sarcastic claps of politicians or even save up for a brickwork-printed gown so I can safely camoflauge whenever Bojo is planning another nauseating publicity visit.

“The possibilities are endless. Thank you British Government!”