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TalkTV one-ups GB News with presenters you hoped were dead instead of just thought were dead

By Leppy Pardalis

Bosses at new Rupert Murdoch-owned channel TalkTV have rejected suggestions that it is trying to muscle in on the territory of GB News.

A source at the new channel admitted that while TalkTV was aiming to attract the same thick bastards as GB News, notably by feeding them dog-whistling right wing shite masquerading as a trenchant commitment to free speech, the two channels differed in a crucial way.

“When you tune in to GB News,” the source said, “you find yourself confronted by presenters you’d assumed were dead. However, when you tune in to TalkTV you find yourself confronted by presenters you’d hoped were dead. It’s a crucial distinction.”

Early viewers of TalkTV, part of a Murdoch stable which includes such paragons of unvarnished fact as Fox News, said their first impressions confirmed the difference.

They include Mrs Helen Cleaver, who admits having only watched out of morbid curiosity, much as she occasionally watches GB news. She said: “Obviously I’m not a typical viewer, what with being able to walk upright and my brain having a frontal lobe, but the difference between GB News and TalkTV is obvious.

“When you watch GB News, you find yourself saying things like, ‘Isn’t that the old bloke who used to read the proper news? I thought he was dead.’ And, ‘Isn’t he that one who did those documentaries? I thought he was dead.’ And, ‘Isn’t that a load of odds and sods who used to be on Sky or somewhere? I thought they were dead.’

“But when you watch TalkTV it’s a different matter. You say things like, ‘Isn’t that the one who used to have the show blamed for the suicide of a vulnerable person? I was hoping they were dead. And, ‘Is that the one who always used to be on about freedom of speech, but then flounced off like a great big tantrumming toddler when somebody said something they disagreed with? I was hoping they were dead.’”

Another viewer, Mr Vernon Thelwell, said: “I only stumbled on TalkTV by accident but now I’m ashamed to say I’m hooked. Who knows which people I’d hoped were dead will be rolled out over the coming days and weeks? Charles Manson? Heinrich Himmler? Countess Elizabeth Bathory? The Creature from the Black Lagoon? Margaret Thatcher?

“I can’t wait to find out.”