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Starmer and Cameron launch new male grooming brand called Face Like a Freshly-Smacked Arse

By Leppy Pardalis

Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer and former Prime Minister David Cameron have gone into business together.

The two have been working for several months with experts in male grooming products and are about to launch their Face Like a Freshly-Smacked Arse range.

A spokesperson for the brand said: “Sir Keir and David have a great working relationship in spite of their very, very slightly differing political standpoints.

“They certainly have a great deal in common, and one of those things, of course, is having a face like a great big freshly-smacked arse. They realised that there was a gap in the market for grooming products aimed specifically at men with faces like freshly-smacked arses - or who merely aspired to having a face like a freshly-smacked arse - and the brand grew from there.”

The range includes a variety of exfoliants, aftershaves, lotions, shaving requisites and unguents, all of them carefully formulated to give the face of the user the sort of glow associated with a generous arse that’s just had a vigorous going-over in a Soho spanking parlour.

Early suggestions for the name of the range included Cecil, in tribute to the late Conservative Party chairman Cecil Parkinson, who was nearly as well-known for having a face like a freshly-smacked arse as he was for being a lying, child-abandoning, hypocritical adulterer. However, Mr Cameron and Sir Keir eventually decided that calling the range Face Like a Freshly-Smacked Arse would make a less ambiguous statement, especially among younger people.