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Scotland so hard-arse even its snow comes with thunder

By Livi Ngroom

Scotland retained its record of being one of the hardest countries in the world by having ‘thunder snow’ overnight.

Normally dainty, serene and pretty snowflakes falling from the skies above Edinburgh exploded once they realised they were falling on Scottish soil at about 5am this morning.

The loud bangs could be heard for hundreds of miles with a hungover North of England yelling “Oi Scotland,  can you keep the bloody noise down?”

Belgium was even heard to say: “What the ruddy fuck was that?!”

Taking a break from chewing a girder, Scotland said: “Twas’ a wee bit loud as some of the bairns even turned over in their sleep but when it snows in Scotland this is what ye gawing to get! Some people even had to phone the polis as dey thought wee Jimmy had been at da vindaloo again.

“We don’t have none of that soft Southern snow that the English ponces get. Naw, when it snows in Scotland it’s like God is chucking grenades down on top of us, ye ken?”

For years meteorologists have been studying unusual Scottish weather phenonema including ‘nail rain’, ‘fancy having a go if you’re hard enough fog’ and ‘bollocks in a vice blusters’.

Meteorologist Michael Pike said: “Scottish physics is different to the rest of the world as Scotland is just so damn hardarse. You just don’t mess with the weather when in Scotland as before you know it you’ll find yourself lying under a tonne of ‘hard as fuck hail’.”