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Rees-Mogg employs working class children to paint coal green to ease environmental worries about Welsh colliery license

By Helen Hamstring

Jacob Rees-Mogg has announced he will be advocating green energy methods and combating unemployment by hiring children to paint coal lumps at the Aberpergwm mine.

Mr Rees-Mogg said: “I have been assured if what you’re burning is green, it is therefore green energy. It does not take a genius to work this out now, does it?

“To all those questioning our right to continue mining at this beauty spot – I say balderdash. You can still breathe in the good old country air next to the colliery while gazing at the waterfalls and hiking within the general area. I mean – what harm would a bit of methane gas do for your body? When I was a young lad, I was always taught country air was good for the lungs when I was sent away with my tubercul- well never mind about that.

“And for those pale sickly lads (and lasses, we believe in equal opportunities) that are not quite up to scratch, we can make up for lost funds by selling them to the highest bidder in the town square. I’m sure the people of Glynneath will enjoy a good old-fashioned ‘boy for sale’ event. These child auctions could also help to boost tourism if visiting stats do plummet because of the work going on – we really have thought of everything.”

Despite this news receiving largely a negative response, some residents of Glynneath, where the mine is situated, have come forward to express their support.  

One of these residents is village simpleton, Ernie Arsewipe. He says he supports Rees-Mogg all the way.

He said: “I can’t say a bad word about the man. He gave me a job painting where for 45 years I have not been allowed to do so much as milk a cow! He has mostly been employing the children of the town as their little hands and make light work of the gathering and painting of the coal, but made a special exception in my case.

“I think it’s amazing we have all this green energy right under our feet. Who thought fighting climate change and swapping to green energy would be this simple?”

9-year-old Timmy is one of just over a thousand children, hand-picked by the Conservative MP to work down in the Aberpergwm coalmine.

He said: “I’m very excited to have my first job! Mr Rees-Mogg said once he pays for all the paint and for his dinner expenses every day – whatever that means – each week, there should be a shiny sixpence left over to be shared between five of us.

“After about two months, each group might be able to buy a Freddo! It will be a nice treat after all the gruel.”

(Image credit - LMD edits)