By Norman Smee
Portugal’s status was downgraded to ‘it’s complicated’ last night by the UK’s Minister of Holidays, Grant ‘we’ve-always-got-Butlins’ Shapps.
Until the change, Portugal was the only green-light country on the government’s new traffic light travel system – and as such meant Brits could go there, holiday there and cough there as much as they liked.
However, the downgrading of our Iberian cousins to ‘Amber’ on the traffic light system means that things have become a lot more complicated, and last night despite offers of ice cream and wine Portugal did not even want to talk about it.
The changes mean that although Brits can still technically travel to the Algarve or the Azores, they have to first take 19 lateral flow tests, then successfully navigate an approaching Dale-Winton style ‘Hole in the Wall’ foam obstacle with a novelty hole cut out of it in the shape of an absurdly impossible yoga position, and finally, ride a broken motorcycle through a flaming hoop and over a pit of alligators whilst reciting the first 49 elements of the Periodic Table by ascending atomic mass.
If they successfully complete all these challenges without so much as a bite on the bottom, then they must deal with three of Jacob Rees Mogg’s most fiendishly difficult riddles about historic cars that have only ever been owned by him and 3 former kings of Belgium.
Naturally, although the British public would happily put up with all the paperwork, excessive tests, back-breaking contortionism, flaming alligator pits and impressive feats of memorisation, the thought of having to spend even a minute with Mr Rees Mogg has triggered an avalanche of cancellations.
As one holidaymaker, Debbie Robertson, explained: “No one needs to go abroad that badly. Come on kids, we’re all off to Great Yarmouth!”