Sign Up for our newsletter

Politicians suffer tongue burns after uttering name of Captain Sir Tom Moore

By Leppy Pardalis

Painfully burned tongues have been reported by politicians attempting to speak the name of Captain Sir Tom Moore.

The World War Two veteran, who recently died at 100, last year raised £33m for NHS Charities Together by walking 100 gruelling lengths of his garden.

In doing so he became a symbol of selflessness, generosity, modesty and determination, and lifted the nation’s spirits during the darkest days of the covid crisis.

The cause of the politicians’ burned tongues is a mystery.

Victims include an unnamed Cabinet Minister who was left in such pain that he was prescribed medication by his doctor.

He said: “It’s the strangest thing that’s ever happened to me. I was being interviewed and wanted to divert attention from our failure to prevent the arrival and spread of covid, and our handing out lucrative covid-related contracts to our friends.

“I thought a good strategy would be to mention Captain Sir Tom Moore and talk about the importance of doing good work for others - even though I’ve never voluntarily done anything for anybody else in my life. I thought I’d be able to slip in a hint that people should vote for us to honour his memory.

“As soon as I mentioned his name, though, I felt an agonising burning in my mouth. I could actually hear my tongue hissing in the heat.”

A veteran politician from another party, who in his long career has voted for everything from ruinous private sector hospital deals to the waging of illegal warfare, had a similar experience.

He said: “I was just telling a journalist that the best way of honouring Captain Sir Tom Moore was to vote for us when my tongue began sizzling like a sausage in a pan.”

One of the doctors who has been treating politicians for the ailment said: “It’s a complete mystery with no apparent medical cause.

“Were I not a scientist I’d say it’s as though nature itself had decided that no politician is fit to have the name of this great hero in their self-serving, unworthy mouth.”