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PM sends bulldog to sort out Insulate Britain protestors’ insurance after their requests for Churchillian response

By Helen Hamstring

Boris Johnson has sent the Churchill Insurance mascot down to meet Insulate Britain protestors in order to answer their demands.

The latest road to be blocked by more than 40 of the protestors is the A20 in Dover.

One of the Prime Minister’s aides said that Mr Johnson was stuck between two plans of action for his response to the now widespread protesting.

She said: “He was torn between sending Churchill the dog or arriving at the Port of Dover himself and reciting his own version of Winston Churchill’s famous speech:

“‘We will fight them on the motorways.

We will fight them on the airport runways.

We will fight them at wherever else they decide to set up camp and piss off drivers around the UK.’

“He was then adamant that he would be allowed to stick his V’s up at the protestors because ‘Churchill used to do that.’

“I believe he made the right choice by sending the dog.”

The Prime Minister’s decision received mixed reactions from Insulate Britain protestors.

Justin Thyme, 56, said: “Yet again the Prime Minister has made it evidently clear that he does not take us or the climate crisis seriously, and that he is incapable of being a sensible human being.

“I still can’t believe it. There was a deafening silence as what we knew to be a Government car pulled up around 30 metres away. A door opens and all you hear is this ear-splitting ‘OH YES.’ They’d given Churchill a megaphone – fuck knows why. The dog rolled out of the passenger seat and started to make its way over to us with a load of papers in his mouth.

“I am raging that Boris thinks getting me a good deal on my car insurance will somehow cause me to stop me caring about this cause or quell my wish to protest. It’s an absolute joke – I don’t even own a fucking car! Emissions – Hello!?!”

Jenny Tull, 35, added: “Like everyone else, I was shocked to see Churchill come trotting down the road with sheets of A4 on insurance deals and comparison information. They were soggy by the time he got to us, but I suppose the effort was there?

“He broke it all down for me and it turns out I have been paying way too much for my home insurance.

“I know I should have been angry about the whole situation, but if I’m honest, I always loved that little dog. He’s so much better than those bloody meerkats. I snuck a little cuddle and a selfie with him – but don’t tell the others. I could have my Insulate Britain badge and free kale privileges revoked for that.”

Members of the public can follow updates on Churchill’s Insulate Britain tour with the hashtag #ChurchillforChangeUKtour.