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'Phew! At least no-one noticed I got stuck in a lift,' says grinning Gove amid ongoing Downing Street party scandal

By Dawn Ob

“That was a close shave,” said a joyful Michael Gove this morning looking through the Sunday papers.

“I seem to have got away with that one,” added the Cabinet Minister who had got stuck in a lift at the BBC this week as he was due to appear on the Today programme on Radio 4.

“All the newspapers seem to be focussing on are all those ragers we had in Downing Street whilst the rest of the country was in lockdown. There’s barely a mention of the fact that me, the Minister of Levelling Up, couldn’t even level up in a building.

“That could have been embarrassing to say the least but luckily for me the country seems more worried about the fact that we were all downing shots and sniffing marching powder off of Minister of Housing Christopher Pincher’s back.

“I don’t know why the entire country is in apolexy about a few piss-ups whilst they were going through the worst days of their lives, locked down at home, not being allowed to see dying relatives and having to have socially distanced funerals whilst we, the ones who set the rules, were completely ignoring the rules as if it’s one rule for us and a totally different set of rules for everyone else.

“But there’s nothing like a good distraction. So I’ll take it.”

The Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities pours himself a celebratory glass of Ciroc Vodka and toasts the country. He then grabs his phone and starts swiping right on Tinder. He never swipes left.

“One day, I’ll get a match. One day. I’m a fun guy when you get to know me. I’m really not the odious little turd that I’m made out to be.”