By Livi Ngroom
Sars-cov-2, otherwise known as Covid-19, was understood to be frantic last night after news broke that an Ebola outbreak in Guinea might have spread to the Democratic Republic of Congo.
The Ebola outbreak in Guinea has led to a mass-vaccination campaign in the affected provinces of the West African country that has meant there has been no new cases for a week, but now a thousand cases have been reported in the Congo.
Covid-19, taking a break from infecting elderly residents of a care home in up-state New York, said: “I iz like well dissed dat an old disease like Ebola iz tryin’ to steal me crown. Doesn’t this Ebola geezer know dat I iz da daddy now and iz like da main disease of da entire globe.
“Ebola iz like one of dem old fellaz who still goes 2 nite clubz. Just a bit of a lech but never really leavez da edge of da dancefloor to infect da rest of da world outside of Africa. Totally past it, d’ya get me?
“I iz like not scared of Ebola as I iz still ridin’ high despite da global mass vaccination programme and will do for some time thankz to me army of anti-vaxxerz who r everywhere.
“Ebola has been around since 1976 so it iz well old so all I can say to it iz ‘Ok, boomer!’”
The last big outbreak of Ebola was between 2014 and 2016 where over 28,000 Ebola cases were reported in Guinea, Liberia and Sierra Leone, and more than 11,000 people died.
Covid added: “Dat iz nuffin’. I iz like killin’ more dan dat 11,000 a day, especially a couple of weekz after one of dose anti-lockdown protestz. So far I az killed 2.5 million people. Suck on dat, Ebola!
“Unlike dat Ebola I don’t need 2 spread just by close physical contact az I am in da air, man! Dat iz why I iz alwayz gonna win!”
Ebola was unavailable for comment but a spokesperson said: “What Covid-19 is forgetting is that Ebola is just that tiny bit more deadly. Covid is just a fad but Ebola will be around forever. Stupid young thing. I bet it doesn’t even remember Tiswas.”