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Ofgem promises to continue pretending to give a tuppenny toss about struggling energy customers

By Leppy Pardalis

British energy industry regulator Ofgem today made a touching and heartfelt pledge to ordinary people struggling to pay obscenely inflated bills.

The organisation, which nominally represents the interests of helpless victims of the ruthless big business parasites who dominate the industry, made its pledge after revealing that consumers face even more enormous charges from autumn.

Ofgem says that no matter what happens, it will carry on pretending to care about the millions of people who face a daily choice between feeding themselves and their families and being able to have warmth and hot water in their homes.

An Ofgem spokesperson said: “We want to stress to energy company customers that no matter what vile indignities they are subjected to by the greedy cartel we faithfully and blindly serve, our own well-heeled senior executives will always be willing to appear on television and pretend to give a fourpenny fuck.

“We’ll pretend to give a fourpenny fuck if your children have to go to school unwashed because you can’t afford hot water. We’ll pretend to give a fourpenny fuck if your old mum and dad die of hypothermia this winter because they’re too proud to ask you for help with bills. We’ll pretend to give a fourpenny fuck if you end up being unable to heat your home in the depths of November, December and January unless you’re willing to go through the indignity of visiting a food bank.

“In addition, we’ll continue doing precisely fuck all about the pitiless profiteering of the major energy companies who are raking in unprecedented revenues. Indeed, we’ll see to it that the filthy leeches can chisel even more money out of you when we raise the energy price cap.

“We hope our pledge reassures Britain’s energy customers that in these uncertain times some things remain constant, especially the utter, uncaring bastardry of people who have never known a day’s hardship and never shall.”