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New theme park ride to 'cut out the middle-man' and be one continuous queue

By Livi Ngroom

A new ride at Alton Towers will be opening this week which promises to be the first UK theme park’s ‘no-ride’ queuing extravaganza.

The new ride called ‘Q’, which has the tagline ‘Can you survive the wait?’, will open on Friday and people are already getting in the spirit by queuing outside the theme park to be the first to not go on the ride.

“At Alton Towers, we’ve always prided ourselves on having the longest queues out of any of the other UK theme parks but we believe this new non-ride will take it to the next level,” said Hugh Weight of Alton Towers.

“Focus groups carried out by our marketing agency has proven that queuing is a national UK pastime so it’s about time we celebrated this properly. The ‘non-ride’ will take theme park-goers through a zig zag maze of queuing that never seems to end until you end up at the back of the queue again. It’s intense.

“We’ve also introduced special ‘fast passes’ for an extra £55 per person that will see them get a VIP back of queue experience involving queuing in a stairwell that neither goes up nor down. It has to be seen to be believed.”

Alton Towers is not the only UK theme park that has had to revamp itself to get the thrill seekers back post-covid.

Thorpe Park has just introduced a new Brexit-themed area. The splurge reads…

“Come along with all the family, laugh as Grandma gets stuck in the Irish Sea due to not filling out the correct paperwork. Scream as you enter the specially-branded Michael Gove Chamber of Brexit Horrors, where you better watch out for the knives targeted to stab you in the back. And laugh at Roy Chubby Brown’s Bubble Zone - Can you survive his flatulent take on the UK’s new reality? It’s all the fun of Brexit at a theme park.”

Chessington World of Adventures has also introduced a new modern ride to reflect the times. Chessington spokesman Willie Orwonthe said: “New for 2021! Have a splash with the kids zipping around ‘Refugee Lake’! Can you BLAST all the refugee dinghies out of the water before they escape under the scowling, Colossus-style statue of Priti Patel? Exclusively at Chessington!”