By Leppy Pardalis
“I want my money back!” said an angry Mr Greg Puller at his home in a small Kansas town today.
Dismal little pervoid Mr Puller spoke through the bandages swathing his badly injured face following an unfortunate incident involving his new sex robot. He suffered a broken nose, two fractured eye sockets and the loss of eight teeth.
The sex robots were in the news recently, not least because their Californian manufacturer decided to give them an unmistakable Glasgow accent. Mr Puller, who has always craved the love of a woman but never quite grasped the fact that actually liking them might be a start, immediately sent off for one of the anatomically-accurate erotic androids.
Mr Puller’s problems began only minutes after removing his new love from the cardboard box she arrived in and sitting next to her on his threadbare and soiled sofa.
“Hey baby, you’re looking beautiful,” he told her, only for her to respond with some sounds the like of which he’d never heard before. On having her repeat them and running them through a translation app, he realised she had said: “Away and boil your head.”
Undaunted, Mr Puller repeated his compliment and placed his hand on her knee, only for his new love to tell him his face resembled that of a camel eating sherbet and that, furthermore, his breath smelled like that of the ungulate in question.
Mr Puller then asked her for kiss, and that was when she reared back and smashed her steel-reinforced forehead into his face with bone-crunching force. The next thing he remembers is being wheeled into an operating theatre for emergency surgery.
A spokesperson for the manufacturer declined to comment on Mr Puller’s case, but it is not the only strange incident involving the Glasgow-accented sex robots.
When early prototypes were being made, a young engineer found himself in need of extra microcircuits for another project, and told colleagues he would borrow some from the sex robots.
One colleague recalled: “He said he was going into their testing area to steal their chips and that was the last we ever saw of him.”