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New IKEA UK student housing landlord range to include mouldy sofas, piss-stained mattresses and broken appliances

By Helen Hamstring

UK student housing landlords around the country have collaborated with IKEA to create a limited-edition range of low-quality, high-priced items.

The exclusive range has been named Daye-Lite Robbery after two of the landlords at the forefront of the project, Anthony Daye-Lite and Barney Robbery.

This new collaborative IKEA range will include:

  • Pissé Täyker – A urine saturated and yellowing mattress
  • Bögg Ständarde – A faded fabric love seat with mouldy arms
  • Rippe Öffe – A rusty, leaking kettle (likely to short circuit)
  • Fjucked ittupp – A damp wardrobe with broken doors for display purposes only (clothing would be better kept in the customer’s car)

It is estimated that by the end of March 2022, all student accommodation will be furnished exclusively with items from the Daye-Lite Robbery range.

Mr Daye-Lite said: “I feel we are really cornering the market here with our innovative steps. We are even offering a free rat infestation with all purchases made within the first six months of the range going live. Any purchases after that will only come with cockroaches or at a push, woodlice, and bedbugs – so we’re encouraging students to act now!

“It’s been such a wonderful experience to work with Barney and IKEA on this project.

“It has always been a dream of mine to not only own a range of poor-quality student accommodation properties, but to furnish them with my own brand of good-for-nothing shite.

“You might be thinking, ‘Anthony – you’re being so generous, how can you manage that?’ Well, we have thought about that and will draft up a terms and conditions contract to ensure that the students will lose their deposits if the items are damaged or break completely – which I can assure you they will. It’s a win-win.”

Mr Robbery said: “It’s been a fantastic whirlwind to create this furniture range.

“Really, it was me that came up with the concept - I had a lightbulb moment like Newton at one of my student accommodation properties when a hunk of plaster from the ceiling fell and hit me on the head.

“I feel like I can now stand proudly next to my own business heroes – Arthur Daly, Derek Trotter and Fagin. I’m up there with them all.”

The Day-lite Robbery range will feature customisable roofing and wall packages, with clients able to specify what percentage of the walls they wish to be filled with stinking, black-mould-laden damp – the minimum is set at 35%.

There will also be the option to customise the location of leak spots in the student accommodation property roofs and ceilings – minimum set at five for each property.

IKEA says customers can expect delayed and sporadic shipping and delivery for these limited-edition items, keeping in line with the UK student housing landlords’ general lack-of-urgency-and-customer-service policy.

The landlords are reminding people to read the terms and conditions, and that no refunds will be available for any items in the Daye-Lite Robbery range.