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Nation pinches self and checks it hasn't fallen down rabbit hole after politician offers to do the right thing if found guilty of wrongdoing

By Kit Chentable

“This must be a dream,” said every single person in the UK after hearing that a politician had said they would do the right thing and resign if caught out in a wrongdoing.

“I’ve now pinched myself three times. And they were ruddy painful pinches and I don’t think I’ve accidentally fallen down a rabbit hole and ended up in Wonderland. So I must be awake. But this is not the world I’m used to ruddy living in. It’s a bit scary.”

This comes after Labour Leader Keir Starmer and Deputy Labour Leader Angela Rayner both announced that they would do the right thing and resign if a police investigation into a work beer and curry thing during a busy by-election showed that they had broken coronovirus lockdown rules resulting in fines.

The entire UK said: “What next? Are cats now going to marry dogs? Are we seeing end times? Are BMW drivers suddenly going to become thoughtful and considerate? We’re through the looking glass here.

“This isn’t what politicians are supposed to do. They’re supposed to see it as one rule for them and one rule for us and then lie their heads off and then not do the honorable thing if they are actually caught out as being wrong’uns and blame it on someone else and never ever resign and do the honorable thing like politicians in the past, who were caught with their pants down, would have done.

“The current crop of politicians aren’t meant to have honour. They’re meant to be jacking off at all hours during debates and non-stop lockdown parties and then saying they had mistakenly found Pornhub whilst looking for tractors on the way to Barnard Castle.

“They’re not meant to be role models. They’re not meant to be people we actually look up to and respect.

“Every thing is now different. Could it be? Is there a flicker of hope coming out of this veritable Tory-caused shitshow that we’ve all been swimming in for the past 12 years? Please let it be. And I’m sure that wasn’t a pig that just flew past my window.”

Kier Starmer said: “Check mate Boris. You twat.”