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Mum has breakdown after exhausting universe's supply of ideas for where to put Elf on the fucking Shelf

By Livi Ngroom

A Colchester mum has had a nervous breakdown after running out of ideas of where to put the Elf on the fucking Shelf every morning.

When she started with Elf on the Shelf five years ago for her three children, Sharon Asplin, 43, of Straight Road, actually quite enjoyed the thrill of coming up with new ideas to thrill and surprise her offspring.

Speaking from her bed on the mental health ward at Colchester General Hospital, she said: “It was great. That first year and even the second year as we managed to put  the Elf in some really good positions so the children would rush downstairs and be awed at what the elf has been up to whilst they were asleep.

“But then we started running out of ideas as there’s only so many things you can hang the elf off of. Every morning I would wake earlier than the children and end up stood there swaying from side to side with a large glass of Pinot in my hand trying to think of anything that I could do to make the elf on the fucking shelf look different that morning.

“This morning I finally snapped, after my youngest rushed downstairs and said ‘no mum, he’s done that already!’ I tried to explain to seven year old Lucy, ‘No! No he hasn’t! Before he was in a hit and run drunk driving accident with your Barbie dolls. This is clearly more of a drive-by shooting! SEE THE SUBTLE DIFFERENCES. I’VE BEEN UP SINCE FOUR IN THE BLOODY MORNING DOING THIS!’”

After being sectioned, having run out in the street in her dressing gown screaming obscenities before chucking the fucking elf through a shop window, the mother of three is now convalescing for a short stay on the ward until, she hopes, after Christmas.

Seven year old daughter Lucy said: “I do feel sorry for mummy but on the bright side, the nice policeman did return the Elf on the Shelf to my daddy. He looked so pleased that The Elf on the Shelf had returned that he started crying. I can’t wait to see what adventures the elf gets up to in the next few weeks whilst mummy’s away.”