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Met Police launch recruitment drive in a bid to identify capital's secret racists, misogynists, homophobes, bullies and moral cowards

By Leppy Pardalis

The Metropolitan Police have announced a major new measure as the force tries to prove it is committed to improving.

In a bid to identify potential threats to the safety of women, girls and members of minority groups, as promised by Commissioner Dame Cressida Dick, the beleaguered force has launched a recruitment drive.

A spokesperson explained: “In view of some of the horrible things we’re best known for these days, we reckon advertising vacancies will bring all manner of nasty bastards out of the woodwork to send us their contact details.

“For example, there have been any number of racist incidents involving our officers harassing people for no good reason, not to mention our being the first force in the country to have an officer who was a member of a banned right-wing terrorist organisation. If that doesn’t have every disgusting little racist inside the M25 knuckle-dragging in our direction, I don’t know what will.

“Then there’s the fact that officers are still on duty with us in spite of sharing social media messages rancid with misogyny, homophobia and all manner of despicable bigotry. We also have good reason to believe that even those officers not directly involved in disgusting behaviour are so utterly gutless, so absolutely devoid of moral fibre, that if they witness it among colleagues they won’t voice so much as a squeak of objection, let alone report it to a senior officer.

“As soon as we let it be known that we have vacancies, thousands of foul shitbags will immediately send us their names, addresses, phone numbers, social media details, you name it.

“So long as we remember not to give any of the worthless, evil fuckers jobs this time around, our plan should be a success.”