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Man loses more than 100 IQ points after hearing Piers Morgan show from neighbour's open window

By Leppy Pardalis

A Nottingham man has suffered what medics describe as catastrophic neurological depletion after inadvertently hearing Piers Morgan’s TalkTV show.

Disaster struck for science teacher Mr Andrew Milton, 37, as he mowed the rear lawn of his suburban semi-detached home.

His wife, Mary, said: “It’s been awful. He’s having to relearn everything he knew before he went out into the garden the other day. He’d been there for about half an hour when I decided to take him a cup of tea and some cheese and crackers.

“The first thing I noticed was the sound of the Piers Morgan programme coming from our neighbour’s open window - and the second thing was that my husband was standing with a blank expression on his face, holding the hover mower the wrong way up, and seemed about to try to lick the spinning blades. Luckily I was able to distract him for long enough to turn it off, but then he began accusing me of being a risk averse woke snowflake who thought I had the right to interfere in other people’s business.”

Mrs Milton was about to help her husband further when she realised that her jaw was involuntarily slackening and drool was beginning to gather at one corner of her mouth. “At first I didn’t know what was happening,” she recalled, “but the penny dropped when I suddenly found my mind filled with unbidden hostility toward Meghan Markle and an urge to listen to classic song ‘It Should Have Been Me’ on Spotify.

“I immediately grabbed lumps of cheese from the crackers I’d brought, stuffed them in my ears and called an ambulance.”

A consultant at the couple’s local hospital said: “It is only thanks to Mrs Milton’s quick thinking and courage that her husband was not left with the intelligence of a single-celled organism. As things stand, his IQ has been reduced to roughly that of a gerbil, but with intensive therapy we are hopeful that he will return almost to normal.

“Mrs Milton herself suffered minor damage to her IQ, manifested chiefly in a momentary belief that the Daily Mail was the voice of common sense, but I’m pleased to say her faculties have returned.

“There is a clear lesson to be learned here. Do not listen to Piers Morgan’s programme, even out of mere curiosity. Well, not unless you’re a complete fuckwit to begin with, because then it won’t matter so much.”