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Man gutted IQ not low enough to enjoy Love Island

By Livi Ngroom

“I’ve tried everything,” said Brian Dyer, 28, last night. “But my IQ is just too high to enjoy Love Island. And now it’s ruining my life.”

Mr Dyer, a teaching assistant from West Bromwich, is now trying several desperate means to lower his IQ.

He said: “Not enjoying Love Island has really affected my social and my work life. It’s like I’ve become a pariah as I can’t help but scoff when they go on about Teddie and Millie recoupling although Millie was only snogging Chuggs a few moments before. I even scoffed at the name Chuggs. I mean, Chuggs. It sounds like a word for vomit. Just hearing his name makes me want to ‘chugg’.

“I can’t help it. It’s a ridiculous, vacous, soul-destroying show that is completely inane in all its facets. But if I don’t grow to enjoy it soon, I’ll end up with no friends as depressingly it’s wildly popular.”

So far Brian has tried several means to lower his IQ.

First he asked a friend to stick a pencil in his ear to try and poke his brain a bit but all that ended up with was a long wait in a hospital with a pencil stuck in his ear but no lasting damage.

Then he tried hitting his head with a frying pan repeatedly, but that did nothing.

For his third attempt at losing a few brain cells, he attempted to drink ten sambuccas, ten blue WKDs, and 12 pints of lager in a short period time, but even paralytic Brian could still not watch Love Island without scoffing at how absolutely shit it was.

He said: “All of my attempts have not lowered my IQ enough to enjoy Love Island, although I am now quite enjoying Hollyoaks, which is at least going in the right direction.

“I much preferred it when everyone was into Line of Duty.”