By Norman Smee
London has proudly declared its shiniest new train stations open for business.
The two new stations are ‘Nine Elms’, which primarily exists to prevent squillonaires in nearby luxury flats having to walk more than five minutes to nearby Queenstown Road station, and ‘Battersea Power Station’, which has been built to service the wealthier dogs and cats in the area.
Rudi Spaffer, spokesperson for TFL, said: “The two tube new stations form a sexy new adjunct to the ironically named ‘Northern’ line - Ironic because it’s the closest the actual north will ever get to adequate infrastructure.
“Our two new tube stops will be of particular use to our booming market of overseas oligarchs looking to secure their fourth or fifth investment property in the area.
“They’ll never set foot in the properties, themselves, of course - I mean, how gauche, right? But the solicitors commuting in to sign deeds on their behalf will find the new stops marginally more convenient than the four other stations that already exist within a half mile radius.
Meanwhile, the long-suffering area known as THE NORTH, has been promised at least two new buckets - with handles - by the year 2026.
Former Minister of Biscuits and current Minister of ‘Levelling Up’ Michael Gove – the first time a minister has been bestowed a title to describe his own ascendent personal fortune - assured those that dwell in cities north of Walthamstow that they hadn’t been forgotten about.
“Just because London’s got some more shiny new things to throw on its pile of shiny things doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about the bulldog-faced, ‘chips-for-tea’, furrowed-brow pebble-dashers of the Northern Swamplands.
“After all – they qualified for at least a token bribe when they somehow decided it was in their interests to vote for a corrupt cabal of overly-promoted, old Etonian schoolboys.
“So I’m delighted to reaffirm our commitment to the two shiny new water carriers, which will operate on a time-share basis between Leeds, Liverpool and any other settlements that have electrical power up there.
“They’ll make a fine addition to the North’s burgeoning collection of long-promised state projects, imaginary housing estates and make-believe trainlines.”