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Journalists who expose filthy Tory adulterers must be jailed, say filthy Tory adulterers

By Leppy Pardalis

The Tories have defended a proposal to have reporters jailed for up to 14 years for exposing adultery, corruption, lies, hypocrisy and other facets of the everyday running of the country.

A planned amendment to the Official Secrets Act will remove the public interest immunity defence because the Government says it isn’t in the public’s interest to know the foul things it does behind closed doors.

A Conservative party spokesperson said: “If Matt Hancock’s activities have taught us anything, it’s that no good comes of the public being reminded that the country is run, for the most part, by a bunch of amoral, hypocritical posh boys and spivs who can’t keep their nasty dicks in their trousers - and wouldn’t bother doing so even if thy could.

“Knowledge gives them ideas above their station, such as wondering why the hell they should obey public health regulations if the people telling them to follow those regulations see nothing morally wrong in flouting them.

“Why do you think tracking down and jailing whoever leaked the Matt Hancock tape is far more of a priority for us than, say, acknowledging his utter hypocrisy or investigating all those allegations about him and other senior Tories handing public money to their chums without so much as a second thought?

“All the peasants need to know is that they should do as we say, not as we do - and any journalist who dares to tell anybody what we do can expect to spend decades in a cell.”