Sign Up for our newsletter

Inspectorate of Constabulary to issue Met with stack of blank certificates clearing it of all future wrongdoing

By Leppy Pardalis

The Metropolitan Police is to be handed a thick stack of blank certificates of exoneration by Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services.

HMICFRS says the move will streamline its clearing of the Met of any wrongdoing whatsoever in the future.

In the most recent exoneration, HMICFRS found the Metropolitan Police did not do anything wrong at a vigil for Sarah Everard, the woman allegedly murdered by a Metropolitan Police officer who was also accused of having committed a sexual offence some time earlier.

The exoneration came after colleagues of the alleged murderer and pervert were filmed grabbing, restraining and dragging away grieving women who had come to pay their respects. 

An HMICFRS spokesperson said: “We’re sick of wasting days on end jumping through various inconvenient official hoops, so we have decided that the best option is simply to issue the Met with a stack of exonerations.

“The only question now is whether we simply leave a blank space for the Met to fill in whatever misdeed it’s accused of, or whether it would be more efficient to have tick boxes next to a list of possible future allegations.

“The list, based on previous accusations, might include, but not be limited to, stopping and searching members of ethnic minorities for ‘suspicious behaviour’ such as walking down the street or driving a car, bending over backwards to ensure racist killers go free for decades on end, Neanderthal brutality, misogyny, homophobia, turning a blind eye to domestic violence and failing to act on the mysterious death of a private investigator.”

In other news, the Metropolitan Police and HMICFRS are understood to be deeply hurt by suggestions among critics, commentators and satirical websites that the force is a haven for wrong ‘uns of every description, and that the best solution would be to tell all 32,000 members that their contracts will end in three months’ time, invite them to reapply for their jobs and make them prove they’re not rotten before being allowed back in.

In still other news, one of the Met’s finest, a man called PC Benjamin Hannam, has covered the force in yet more glory by becoming the first serving police officer to be convicted of being a member of a banned neo-Nazi organisation. 

He possessed documents detailing knife combat and explosive devices - and an indecent image of a child.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Dame Cressida Dick has been assured she has the full backing of Prime Minister Boris Johnson and Home Secretary Priti Patel.