By Kit Chentable
“It’s not my fault that you people didn’t read the manifesto properly,” said UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson last night his hair looking slightly tousled as he took his time with a glass of brandy.
“I mean, who in their right mind, doesn’t check for secret notes written in invisible ink? That’s how me and my brothers Leo and Jo and my sister Rachel always communicated. It should have been obvious. How else do you get one by pater and mater?”
Standing up from his desk, the Prime Minister grabbed a copy of the manifesto and waved it in front of him.
“I mean take this bit about protecting the pension triple lock. If you use vinegar or lemon juice, you can clearly see the bit where I scribbled ‘unless we change our minds’.
“We have these notes written all ove the manifesto in invisible ink essentially contradicting everything that was written. Surely you can’t blame the sitting Government and accuse them of breaking manifesto promises if you people didn’t carry out a thorough enough due diligence on the snake oil we were trying to sell you?
“It’s plain as day for anyone with a brain.”
Grabbing another page from the manifesto, Boris takes it to the stove and waves it just a bit above the open flames to reveal more writing that was hidden from the naked eye.
He said: “I only treat the British public like fools because they act like fools. Look at this bit here that’s just been revealed. It quite clearly states under the bit where we say that we won’t raise taxes the word ‘not’. That’s legally binding that is.
“And I’ll let you into a little secret. It wouldn’t matter if I had broken the pledges set out in the manifesto because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in the last few years it’s the fact that the British public will swallow any old bullshit I want to tell them and they would still vote for me.
“As long as I come across as slightly comedic and use long words and metaphors about Greek myths they will still keep giving me everything I need.
“Good that. Isn’t it?”