By Leppy Pardalis
The world’s greatest masters of horror fiction are racing to produce scripts about people stuck in a lift with Michael Gove.
Frantic tapping on their keyboards was reportedly heard as soon as the story of the Levelling Up minister being trapped in a BBC lift as he made his way to an interview emerged.
Leading London literary agent Malcolm Parkins said: “Whoever comes up with a script first could end up making millions. The public love to be terrified, and what could be more terrifying than to find yourself trapped in a confined space with a Pob-faced homunculus so horrible that he couldn’t even beat the despicable Boris Johnson in a popularity contest?
“The best and most frightening horror is relatable to the daily lives of ordinary people, and as most ordinary people have to use a lift from time to time there’s nothing to prevent them, in theory, from ending up in a lift somewhere with Michael Gove - a lift which might suddenly cease to function.
“The very thought makes The Amityville Horror seem like the Teddy Bears’ Picnic by comparison. It makes the demonic nun from The Conjuring seem like Little Bo Peep and being the back end of a The Human Centipede seem a slightly smelly minor inconvenience.”
However, if horror fans’ reactions on social media are anything to go by, a film about being trapped in a lift with Gove might be too much for even the most hardened aficionados of the genre.
Typical devoted horror fan Alan Morrison, from Minehead in Somerset, said: “I’d sooner be trapped in a lift with the girl who crawls out of the TV set in The Ring, the vampire kid who hovers outside a bedroom window in the Salem’s Lot miniseries and the Blair Witch than I would with Michael Gove.
“I can’t stop thinking about it and I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight, tomorrow night or maybe for a week.”