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By Leppy Pardalis
Indignant Health Secretary Matt Hancock has explained the unlawful delay in publishing the details of dozens of covid contracts awarded without competition.
“Look,” said a clearly annoyed Mr Hancock, “the pandemic is a fast-moving situation in which the letter of the law can’t always be rigidly adhered to.
“Obviously, as soon as the need for vast quantities of PPE and other vital equipment became apparent, we recognised the situation for what it was - a golden opportunity for friends of our party and people who whom we owed favours to fill their boots with countless millions of pounds chiselled from the public in taxes on pain of imprisonment.
“We’d already given lots of our chums high-paying Government pandemic jobs with impressive titles, but we couldn’t offer them all ten grand a day and a peerage or whatever, could we?
“Equally obviously, promptly releasing even so much as a simple list of the contracts awarded to chums of the Tories, together with details - readily available to us - of how much money was handed out, and for what, would have been out of the question.
“Had we done so, every one of the cronies we helped to get their faces stuck ears-deep into the trough would have had no time to come up with an even remotely plausible reason why they deserved to be awarded their contract.
“What were we to do? Be transparent? Show a scintilla of respect for the ordinary people, many of them plunged into economic misery by the pandemic, who flog their guts out to keep us and our friends in the style to which we’ve become accustomed? Don’t be ridiculous!”
Mr Hancock’s defence of the situation was echoed by many of its beneficiaries, including Mr Monty Shameless-Toerag, owner of Hertfordshire firm Shameless-Toerag Enterprises Ltd.
Mr Shameless-Toerag, whose wife, Alice, chairs the local Conservative Association Fundraising Committee, and who sends his children to the same exclusive school as at least two Cabinet Ministers, said: “I was delighted to be offered forty million quid to provide sterile medical equipment - who wouldn’t be?
“Mind you, as my company had never manufactured or packaged so much as a sticking plaster before, I’d have been completely lost for an excuse if the public had been told immediately.
“Luckily the Government - who clearly recognise which side their bread’s buttered on - realised this, and the public being kept in the dark for a few weeks gave me plenty of time to hire a PR specialist to come up with a load of old crap in case anybody asked.
“Now all I have to do is get my accountant to spirit my thirty-nine million quid profit to my secret account in Lichtenstein, away from the taxman.
“Oh, for the benefit of troublemakers wanting to know why I’ve yet to deliver any PPE, it’s because of logistical problems in the supply chain. Or something like that.”