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Half of UK adult population watched porn during pandemic whilst the other half are just liars - confirms Ofcom

By Kit Chentable

Half the adult population of the UK watched online pornography during the pandemic whilst the other half are simply liars, according to Ofcom.

This comes after a survey carried out by the media regulator which saw only half of the people taking part answering the questions truthfully.

“We are obviously a nation of liars,” said Hugh Pomfrey Fluffer of Ofcom. “Well half of us are anyway.

“Obviously I would never watch online porn myself. I’m married with three children so am far above locking myself away in the toilet whilst the kids are screaming downstairs, and frantically looking for seductive MILFs getting it on with the window cleaner, who had been innocently cleaning the windows, before accidentally spotting the MILF in underwear doing yoga and before he knows it he’s accidentally fallen through an open window and startled the MILF whose clothes all fall off in surprise and wierdly the window cleaners clothes have somehow fallen off too as the probably caught them on a nail and before you know it they’re going at it hammer and tongs. 

“No, I would never watch anything like that. Excuse me, I really need to go to the toilet. Be back in five minutes.”

Three of the most popular largely deregulated pornography sites in the UK are Pornhub, Redtube and YouPorn.

Derek Chafed-hands, who carried out the research for Ofcom, said: “Boobs! Bums! Willies! Uhum, sorry, I seem to have them on the brain for some reason.

“I don’t know why half the country are lying about watching porn. Obviously I would never watch porn as I’m in a happy relationship even though it’s my job to watch porn. But I’m an isolated case obviously.”

Palmela Handerson, who works in the porn industry, said: “We provide a service to millions of UK residents and at least with our films you can always be sure of a happy ending.

“It’s a serious business and is not exploitative at all, honest. But one thing we do know is that everybody wanks and they’re lying if they say different.”