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Generous club bouncers quite willing to give two jabs on the door to any troublesome anti-vaxxers

By Livi Ngroom

The British Association of Bouncers, Doormen and Tattooed Burly Men and Women Who Like Blocking Doorways have announced they will provide an extra service to the country once Vaccine Passports become mandatory for clubs and large gatherings from September.

Making the announcement outside of Broken Dreamz Night Club in Luton, Dazza ‘Bloody Knuckles’ Keegan, the chairbouncer of the association, said: “We’ve all had one hell of a year and the fact that we’re allowed to open again is bloody brilliant so the association has got together and come up with a policy to make sure this continues when the new regulations come into force.

“As far as we see it, dealing with anti-vaxxers is like dealing with any of those scummy drug dealers we have to chuck out regularly on a Saturday night. They are just there to spread their shit to everyone not giving a toss who they harm in the process.

“So we want to do our bit for Queen and Country and make sure any of these insanely stupid anti-vaxxers get two jabs if they show up at any of our doorways. Unlike the two jabs that they can get free from the NHS by a lovely nurse who has a duty of care, the two jabs that we will be giving out will cost you a couple of teeth, your dignity and possibly a trip to the hospital.

“We won’t need any pesky needles for our jabs and will just be trusting ‘lefty’ and ‘righty’ to do their God-given work.”