By Leppy Pardalis
The Government has issued a rapid response to calls by Business Secretary Kwasi Kwarteng to help firms hit by high energy costs.
Beginning next month or whenever winter arrives in earnest, pensioners and other vulnerable people who freeze on account of having to choose between heating and eating will be chipped from their homes and taken in lorries to large portable furnaces in the closest towns and cities.
The furnaces will be connected to the nearest turbines and the power the people generate when burned will then be given to big businesses, helping them retain their profit margins.
A Government spokesperson said: “It’s a win-win all round, really. Wealthy businesses - especially those who make handsome donations to us, naturally - will be able to offset their increased energy costs, and energy companies will be able to continue charging obscene prices.
“Even more importantly, we’ll continue making the very neediest people pay full price. That way, if there’s a really decent cold snap we’ll end up saving on a good few hundred thousand state pensions, not to mention tens of thousands of other benefits - as well as creating more fuel for the furnaces.
“After all, ordinary people are only good for a limited number of things, such as fighting our wars and working for four or five decades to fill our donors’ pockets and pay enormous taxes on pain of imprisonment, while our friends in the enormous corporations pay sod all.
“If ordinary people can’t do that then what use are they? Knowing they’ll be chucked into a furnace and used as a source of power once they freeze to death will at least give them a sense of dignity and purpose as we Build Back Better.”