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Momentous New Zealand trade deal will see up to six packets of Anchor butter on shelves by Christmas

Features

Insulate Britain mysteriously fails to promise any of their nonsense for the roads of Glasgow

Features

Anton Chigurh gets visa for job at Barnsley abattoir

Features

Mystery as millions of radios simultaneously exude miasma of blandness so thick you could cut it with a knife

Features

Billionaires' space travel slammed by prince who stands to inherit vast fortune, palaces, castles and an enormous pile of treasure

Features

Africa again demands West stops dumping toxic waste after Hancock UN appointment

Features

Man destroys office in desperate bid to reproduce ambiguous noise so colleagues won't think he farted

Features

Frozen vulnerable people to be thrown into giant furnaces to help big business cut gas costs

Features

Met Police launch recruitment drive in a bid to identify capital's secret racists, misogynists, homophobes, bullies and moral cowards

Features

Adele wins new fans of all musical tastes after branding Matt Hancock dirty sod

Features

Blow for Conservative Environment Network as ambassador Stanley Johnson's testicles officially declared toxic waste outlets

Features

Veteran charity fundraiser celebrates raising enough in 25 years to cover charity CEO's salary for nearly seven weeks

Features

Britain to sue Prime Minister for political whiplash after being lurched from one cocking disaster to the next

Features

Next vigil for a murdered woman to be held on M25 so it'll take authorities weeks to be bothered doing anything about it

Features

Zuckerberg demands to know which minion in his hollowed-out mountain failed to pay electricity bill

Features

Cancer joins Conservative Party in gratitude for Boris Johnson remarks

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