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NASA probe reports Mars not as big as when you were a kid and has thinner chocolate

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‘Nice Guy’ on dating site can’t understand why none of those ‘effing skanks’ want to go out with him

Features

Britain nervously eyes up its fluffiest pets as toilet roll panic-buyers hit the supermarket shelves again

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Eagerly-awaited Prince Harry memoir rumoured to list achievements other than being born

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Large penis seen flying above Texas turns out to be Jeff Bezos

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Mystery of racist Twitter hackers who only target accounts of utter non-entities

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Judicial system proves commitment to helping female victims by releasing double child rapist and murderer

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‘Life is just a hoax and we’re all living in The Matrix,’ says conspiracy theorist who’s taken things a bit far

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Group of friends discussing Branson-Bezos space race dare not say what they're really thinking

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Nation hoping for football to come home horrified to find snarling racism on doorstep instead

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PM banned from prestigious Mustique club for breaching Useless Posh Wasters' Code

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“A day off for all the proles if we win the rugster-ball trophy!” yells drunk fat bloke at England game

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England suffers mysterious epidemic of not stepping on cracks, refusing to walk under ladders and avoiding black cats

Features

Gareth Southgate's Waistcoat's guide to the Euro 2020 semi-final tonight

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Black people urged to carry inflatable MPs with them to ward off thick racist Met police

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"It's probably nothing to do with climate change" insist melting idiots

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