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Lockdown public information film rejected for not being patronising enough

Features

Excrement outraged at being compared to US police officers

Features

Broken fax machine meant US police department didn't get memo about not being murderous racists

Features

Horror as right winger outed as 'woke' after doing a nice thing for a fellow human being

Features

"Oh, great," says rhinoceros as zoo reopens to gawping hordes

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Would-be spree killers complain Biden's home-made gun ban means they'll have to go to the shops like all the other murderers

Features

Duke of Edinburgh carefully briefed before being introduced to Buddha

Features

Man to spend entire weekend moaning about bike lanes

Features

SAS fantasists research Myanmar Embassy layout in case there's a siege they can pretend to have ended

Features

EXCLUSIVE: Whitty and Vallance to keep shuffling podiums outwards until they're not in the same room as Boris anymore

Features

Boris to launch new Moonshot in search of the last one

Features

Boris confirms England easing of lockdown on April 12 but forgets to mention which year

Features

Church of England denies clergy are in fact elaborate disguises operated by cats

Features

Boring smart-arse sacrificed by giant rabbit at Stonehenge after yet again saying Easter stolen from Pagans

Features

Seeing pound shop Halloween display reminds man to buy Easter eggs for wife and children

Features

Inspectorate of Constabulary to issue Met with stack of blank certificates clearing it of all future wrongdoing

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