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Emerging Covid Variant - 'Don't worry, we have everything under Complete Complole,' insists UK govt

By Norman Smee

UK Prime Minister Boris ‘Incorruptible’ Johnson spoke on television last night to reassure the British public that they had absolutely nothing to fear about the new ‘super’ variant of covid emerging in South Africa.

“Look, I sat down with my minister of Geography and he pointed out several things to me- firstly, England is actually attached to several other countries – and one of which appears to be named after a large marine creature, how funny! - and secondly, that South Africa is bloody miles away.

“And I mean, miles away – it’s not even in the top bit of Africoid – like, seriously, it’s in the South Bit. I doubt the virus even knows where England and, er, what was it? Dolphin? – I doubt it even knows where we are.

“Therefore, that complacent, inevitably-doomed assumption will inform the Government’s policies on this new ‘Super’ variant of Covid for the next 3 months, or until the point where the shit hits the fan and we are forced to change course, whichever comes quicker”

“So for now, Dear Britons, please go about your daily business without a care in the world – go outside, shake some hands in hospitals, host a coughing party with some neighbours, whatever it is you like to do, I don’t know - and know that, the UK government, as ever, has the situation COMPLETELY in Complole”

“Ha. I mean, in control. Ha. What a jape. Now where did I put my tie?”