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Defunct X-Factor to be replaced by new show called 'Poking the Deluded with a Stick'

By Leppy Pardalis

ITV has announced the name of the show it hopes will replace The X-Factor in the hearts and minds of the British public.

Hot on the heels of the news that there are no plans for another series of The X-Factor, the broadcaster is about to begin advertising auditions for a new show, Poking the Deluded with a Stick.

Details are still under wraps, but it has been confirmed that competitors will be drawn entirely from the nation’s utterly deluded people, some of them quite possibly in need of psychiatric assistance rather than public humiliation.

An ITV source said: “All deluded people are welcome, whether they believe themselves to be, for example, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a pair of underpants, the concept of utilitarianism, an aeroplane or a singer worthy of anything more than an eventual underperforming single followed by a cancelled record deal and lifelong status as the answer to an obscure trivia question.

“Each week, the competitors will be prodded with a shitty stick by a panel of minor celebrities and has-beens. This will happen not just in front of the viewing millions but also for the amusement of a baying live audience, most of whose faces betray the same sadistic cruelty and slack-wittedness as is seen among cheery bystanders in photographs of extra-judicial executions.”

The names of the celebrities wielding the sticks have yet to be revealed, but the insider said the channel was in talks with some exciting prospects.

“There’s a record industry figure who hasn’t been involved with anything other than meritless soul-destroying shite, the second most annoying member of a crap boyband and some other people who are somehow famous in spite of nobody being able to say exactly how or why.

“So it’ll be a complete change from the old show.”