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Daily Mail moves offices to Eighth Circle of Hell - to save on the commute

By Livi Ngroom

The Daily Mail has unveiled plans to move its UK office to the Eighth Circle of Hell with the relocation happening in the next few weeks.

The newspaper title, owned by DMGT, is currently based in Northcliffe House just off High Street Kensington, where it shares offices with The Mail on Sunday, London Evening Standard, i and Metro.

The announcement has come as a surprise to media analysts who expected the move to see the title moving to a Northern powerhouse city because of the cheaper rents much like the BBC to Salford and Channel 4 to Leeds.

Media analyst Will Hooch said: “I suppose it really does make sense. The Eighth Circle of Hell is pretty hot right now and the property prices are rock bottom especially if you can get used to the constant tortured screams of a thousand adulterers, which is something we are sure that The Daily Mail is very used to hearing.

“The eighth circle is especially fitting as according to Dante’s Inferno it is the circle reserved for fraudsters with the Daily Mail reported to be moving to several of the bolgias (districts) including the ones reserved for flatterers, liars, exaggeraters, hypocrites and false counselors. The reporters will now have to work whilst standing head first in stone bowls enduring flames upon their feet, which will be a vast improvement on their current work culture.

“It will also save on a huge commute for the majority of its columnists who have been inhabiting several of the circles of hell for the past 30 years.”

Current Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere is understood to be very happy with the move.

He said: “For decades we have tried to make the United Kingdom a living hell on earth as per our remit but it’s just not been working so we’ve decided to move to an area which is just more ‘us’.

“I made the decision the other day whilst walking down Kensington High Street and seeing an obvious immigrant walking along without anyone shouting xenophobic abuse at him. I couldn’t believe it and it just shows how much we have failed.

“Five seconds later I saw a commuter altruistically giving 50p to a beggar. What has this world come to? It was then I decided that we had to move.”

But the move has not been welcomed by the current denizens of the Eighth Circle of Hell.

The Demon Ayyabazhi said: “We’re respectable demons in the Eighth Circle. I have started a petition as we simply don’t want those sorts from the Daily Mail here as they will bring the property prices down.”