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By Norman Smee
The celebrated mathematician Count von Count found himself in hot water last night after it emerged he had carried on socialising indoors with up to a dozen bats at his vast gothic castle, in blatant violation of the government’s new ‘Rule of Six’ laws, which came into force on Monday.
Local constabulary knocked on his giant wooden door around 8pm last night, after reports from neighbours of an illegal large gathering in the castle had fired their suspicions. PC Sandra Milburn, one of the arresting officers, summarised events;
“As soon as we approached the door of the castle we could hear him counting inside…four…five…six…once he hit seven, we knew he was up to no good. We banged on the giant gargoyle door knockers as hard as we could, but all they did was morph into two old grumpy men’s faces who started heckling us with wisecracks like “Hey, I’ve heard of officers on the beat before, but this is ridiculous” and, “Now play Freebird!”, “Oh-hohohohohoho” and then just descended into chuckling at each other’s putdowns”
“But all the while, there was no answer from inside, and we were forced to batter the door down. By the time we got into the grand hall, the count was up to 36, and there were bats, flying chickens and strange furry creatures running around absolutely everywhere, and we cuffed him on the spot”
Count von Count’s lawyers later made a statement, “Count von Count would like to state his innocence and will seek to appeal the ‘illegal rave’ charges. Our client insists all those participating inside the castle that evening were part of the count’s ‘bubble’, and had for some years lived inside cupboards and various other nooks and crannies of his grand estate, so new transfer risks were minimal”
Despite being a popular figure amongst kids worldwide, local neighbour Oscar was quick to comdemn the count “He thinks it’s one rule for him and one rule for everybody else. He lords it up over us in his fancy castle, without giving out so much as one invite to his counting parties, while the rest of us are forced to live in trash cans! And when we do congregate, down here we do it safely – outside, on people’s doorsteps, like responsible citizens. NOW GO AWAY! NO MORE REPORTERS!”