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Church led by Archbishop of Canterbury argues over whether magic wizard in sky thinks gay people are naughty

By Leppy Pardalis

A major dispute has broken out in the global Anglican Church as to the views of a big magic wizard in the sky regarding gay people.

Anglican bishops from all over the world are preparing to gather for the Lambeth Conference, presided over by Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby.

Some of the bishops agree with an official church document saying that gay people who have gay relationships instead of giving up sex and taking up origami, gardening, hiking or some other wholesome pursuit are very naughty indeed. The document also says that the church cannot support same-sex marriage because people in same-sex marriages are even naughtier.

However, some other bishops say the bishops who think the big magic wizard in the sky regards gay people as naughty are wrong, and that the big magic wizard in the sky regards human love in all its joyful diversity as wonderful.

One bishop who believes the big magic wizard in the sky thinks gay people are naughty said: “Look, it’s written down in the rulebook, clear as day. There are several sections in the first half of the rulebook saying not only that gay people are naughty, but that they are so naughty that horrible things should happen to them. And it says in the second half of the rulebook that gay people are naughty, too.

“That can only mean the big magic wizard in the sky thinks gay people are naughty.”

However, a bishop who believes the big magic wizard in the sky doesn’t think gay people are naughty said: “For one thing, much of the first half of the rulebook was declared null and void by the man the second half of the rulebook was written about - the man who we believe was actually the big magic wizard in the sky in human form.

“For another, there isn’t a single direct quote from the man the second half of the rulebook was written about saying gay people are even slightly naughty. There are only some letters from a man who never met the man the book was written about, claiming the man the book was written about said gay people were naughty.’

“So clearly the big magic wizard in the sky doesn’t think gay people are naughty.”

The big magic wizard in the sky failed to comment on whether he thought gay people are naughty, just as He has failed to comment on why he tolerates war, famine, pestilence, injustice and murderous oppression in spite of being big enough and magic enough to live in the sky.