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Child threatens to burn down family home if he receives advent calendar with no bloody chocolate

By Helen Hamstring

A family in Kent have reported that their ten-year-old son has been making extreme threats and is at ‘breaking point’ over the idea of getting an advent calendar with no chocolate or gifts inside.

The Uppity family say their son Christian’s smashing of priceless artefacts, throwing of the family dog’s excrement around their seven-bedroom, Victorian mansion, and his refusal to eat his usual three-course dinner was bad enough, but his threats of burning the place down have been the final straw. 

Christian’s mother, Lydia Uppity believes desperate times call for desperate measures after learning her son has also been looking into emancipation.

She said: “It all began when my husband and I saw these darling charity calendars being sold by some poor urchins in the street. There were some of the local media there and we thought it would be an excellent opportunity to show our charitable, caring side. We purchased one for Christian and the local paparazzi had our picture online within two hours as we are something of local celebrities.

“When Christian realised we had bought him a charity picture calendar instead this year, he entered a state of frenzy. We tried everything to calm him down and help him put things into perspective – including putting on A Christmas Carol in our home cinema room, but he just ended up identifying with Ebenezer Scrooge and didn’t believe that his transformation at the end was warranted.

“We’ve tried so hard to raise him well. We can’t work out where this spoiled behaviour is coming from. We always spend at least half an hour with him each day and ensure our housekeeper makes him his favourite meals, plays with him and buys him what he needs on our credit cards.”

Mr Uppity added: “My wife and I are at our wits’ end with this nasty business. We have had some Oompa Loompas write to us to offer to take him to Willy Wonka’s factory to ‘sort him out’. This is very tempting…”

The family have been in touch with the local police and Christian’s private school to place Christian under continuous surveillance.

One of Christian’s teachers, Amanda Knobbe said: “Well here at St Bastard’s Silver Spoon Academy, we like to do what we can to liaise with the parents to help them feel involved in their child’s education here.

“We have taken the decision to pull Christian out of some of our history workshop classes as we have been teaching the children about the Gunpowder plot and we didn’t want to risk giving him ideas.”