By Leppy Pardalis
The Conservative Party has welcomed its newest member - cancer.
The horrible disease decided to join the Tories after a BBC interview given by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, during which he was challenged over whether his party was really levelling up healthcare and helping poorer people.
The blithering, unkempt Old Etonian buffoon replied: “I’ve given you the most important metric – never mind life expectancy, never mind cancer outcomes – look at wage growth.”
Cancer was so delighted with the response that it immediately decided to join the Conservatives.
It said: “What a relief it is to know that in a world where I thought I had no friends, the party of Government believes wage growth is more important than preventing me from continuing to rampage through innocent people’s lives - especially the disadvantaged. It’s nice to know the Tories have their priorities right.”
A Conservative Party spokesperson said: “We are delighted to welcome cancer to the party, and can only wonder why it waited so long to join.
“After all, cancer has absolutely no mercy, especially to vulnerable people and people without the money and power to fight it. It is 100 percent malignant and has no qualms about inflicting physical and mental agony, tearing families apart and leaving people traumatised and grief-stricken.
“If that isn’t the very definition of a natural-born Tory, I don’t know what is.”