By Norman Smee
The UK is to become the first country in history to sue its own Prime Minister, the UK revealed last night during a drunken Zoom call with France.
This morning, speaking on the steps of the Old Bailey and standing next to its lawyer Sir Keir Starmer QC, a visibly shaken Britain read out the following statement: “Yes, it’s true: we fully intend to press charges against Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Margaret-Bullingdon Johnson.”
A clamour of reporters asked Britain for more details, at which point Britain broke down in tears and Mr Starmer took over: “My client has, simply, been through enough.
“The recent gas price hikes, petrol shortages, empty supermarket shelves, National Insurance rises, Universal Credit cuts, Cabinet contract scandals, dangerously delayed lockdowns, botched military withdrawals, migrant crises, pig culls, and HGV, hospitality and care worker shortages are just the latest in a long line of abuses Britain has been forced to suffer in the past 22 months of Mr Johnson’s reckless stewardship.
“This same period has also seen Britain’s abusive Prime Minister repeatedly break his promises, illegally prorogue parliament, violate international law, blithely criticise judges and investigative journalists whilst refusing to ever hold itself to account by repeatedly batting away demands for public enquiries into its many fuck ups, put up a border within our own sovereign territory in a bid to increase our national sovereignty and even lie to our dear old Queen.”
“I haven’t even mentioned the Pandora papers yet” added Mr Starmer, seemingly aware anyone writing up an article would be worried it was getting a little wordy, “but they’re a fucking piss-take too.
“Enough is enough. Britain will pursue its class action against our reckless Prime Minister for one hundred and eighteen counts of political whiplash, ninety-five charges of being drunk and Tory at the wheel, and seventy-three counts of being a self-serving know-nothing know-it-all.
“Separately, I will also be filing a second class-action suit against the Prime Minster on behalf of the entire nation of Northern Ireland, 800,000 starving kids, 17,000 abandoned single mothers, three former Cabinet Ministers and one really, really pissed off footballer.”