By Norman Smee
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised to deliver even more broken promises, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson promised the nation this week.
Speaking to the cameras and wearing his most trustworthy Prime Ministerial face, he said: “Let me be clear. I will make this solemn vow to you, the British People – that I WILL continue to get promises done!”
To a rapturous round of applause that could be heard echoing around the country, he added: “I will promise some more promises on social care. Right now, I am promising to break even more promises on the economy. And Taxes. And universal credit. And Afghanistan. And Tax Dodgers. And…Well, let’s just agree I’ll be making a whole bloody great Bus-full of broken promises.”
As the results came in from around the country, it quickly became clear that Boris Johnson was set to win in a landslide, which was particularly unusual as there was no election on.
As the news filtered through about his soaring approval rating, Mr Johnson beamed from ear to ear in the shiny new media room and began building up to his promised crescendo: “But! My People. I. Am. Not. Done. Yet!
“I promise, the biggest, most far-fetched promise of all – that I, Boris dePfeffel-Ironclad-Truth Johnson - promise to promise even more promises about the environment!”
To deafening roars of approval, whooping and hollering, the Prime Minister began handing out promises to everybody: “I promise we will level up by next Wednesday! I promise we will be net zero by a week last Saturday! I promise everything you want, and more! Boots on the Moon, An Apple in every Garage and Peace in our time! Mastication, Obfuscation, Procrastination!”
Whether the PM keeps any of these latest promises remains to be seen, but the Prime Minister has promised to promise an update at a later date.