By Norman Smee
Prime Minister Boris Johnson confirmed in another spectacular press conference yesterday that the UK will soon be launching another ‘Moonshot’, with the stated aim of finding the first one.
The first Moonshot was launched from 10 Downing Street in September 2020 amidst great fanfare and watched by millions at home. It received praise from many quarters, particularly for its green credentials, which saw it being exclusively powered by hot air and bluster from the Cabinet Office.
Its stated mission was to issue and process up to half a million COVID-19 tests per day in the UK, which would deliver results within mere seconds, thus speeding the UK out of the pandemic at a “world-beating” pace. The bunting which everyone still had from their Brexit street parties was re-strung and a nation rejoiced.
The fact the technology didn’t actually exist at the time for the successful completion of the Moonshot, nor the similarly troubling fact that both the smartphone app and the call centres that were of vital importance to the mission were also unfinished, were regarded as only minor inconveniences. However, a couple of weeks after launch, all contact with Captain Dido Harding and First Officer Hancock was lost, and it was feared the Moonshot had gone down in flames. It is for this reason the Government is so keen to send out a second Mooonshot – this time by issuing two COVID-19 testing kits every single week to every single citizen in the UK, whether they exist or not.
Speaking yesterday via a magical talking scarecrow, the PM mouthed: “I remain confident that both Harding and Hancock are safe and well, purely because it would be so uncharacteristic for one of our large-scale, expensive Government projects to go so spectacularly up in flames like this, particularly after I’ve double-Boris-downed on it.
“It is for this reason that I promise you all today, we will launch a new, even better, even more expensive Moonshot that will not only track and trace the first Moonshot, but also deliver something even more spectacular– we will literally invent a new weather machine that will rain testing kits down from the sky onto this green and pleasant land.
“And if that doesn’t make us better than France I don’t know what will.”