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Boris sets out which set of bizarre rules are going to confuse us all next

By Livi Ngroom

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has set out his latest list of ways to confuse everyone.

It is hoped that the confounding edicts are so completely mind-bogglingly complex that coronavirus itself will just give up, say ‘bugger this’ and go and bother France or somewhere else instead.

The rules, which won’t be introduced until a week Wednesday, will be different for different regions but we won’t know what regions will have what rules until Thursday but there will be a new set of rules over Christmas for the entire United Kingdom no matter what region you live in, which will be set out in the next few days.

Mr Johnson said: “This will be a hard winter with a long road to spring but we have turned a corner and the escape route is in sight but that might not be until next summer.

“These tiers are different to the old tiers but are still the same as the old tiers but with extra bits added on to each tier. 

“The idea is to fight coronavirus by using the element of surprise as if coronavirus doesn’t know what we’re doing next it won’t be able to catch us. The fact that no UK resident will also have a scoobie just adds to the strategy. Sneaky does it England!”

The rules for England include -

- No household mixing in tier three but household mixing is allowed outside of the house in tier two, but inside the house in tier one. But the Rule of Six still applies unless you are in a tier that allows 2,000 people to gather for an inside performance or 4,000 outside as long as everyone wears masks and is able to float two metres above the head of any other individual person.

- You can now go to the pub until 11pm but are not allowed to order a drink after 10pm unless you are in tier two where you have to eat a slap-up meal which includes at least three courses if you want to be in a pub or even tier three where you will be forced to eat a meal outside a pub standing on the street whilst wearing a mask and standing on one foot.

- No talking if you live on the border of Wales or Scotland as we don’t want them getting wind of what we’re up to.

- Go to the gym but no grunting as you lift weights not because of any health reasons but because it makes you look like a twat.

- Kids to still go to school to mix with thousands of others making all the other guidelines completely pointless as you’re going to get it anyway whatever happens from your snot-sharing disease-filled poxy prick of an offspring.

Showing its support for the new guidelines the UK’s official oppostion has promised to change its leader’s name to Tier Starmer in a show of solidarity.