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Boris Johnson's spirit animal revealed to be one of those cling-ons you have to shake your bottom get rid of

By Leppy Pardalis

A mystic called to Number 10 to soothe Boris Johnson over the ongoing lockdown party scandal provided a remarkable revelation.

Mrs Annabel Liversage from Wantage is a former local government officer who discovered a talent for mysticism several years ago. She claims to channel the spirits of several indigenous American tribal chiefs, three Aztec shamen, a Druid, a woman burned for witchcraft in 1621 because she had a wonky eye and a cat belonging to Aleister Crowley.

Mrs Liversage was called in by desperate aides of the Prime Minister who wanted to lift his spirits after yet another day of calls for their master to resign over his blatant, unashamed lying.

A witness said: “She agreed because, as she put it, her beliefs meant she could not deny the call of somebody in need, no matter how horrible that person might be.

“Mrs Liversage began by having us all sit in a circle on the floor, and told us her spirit guides would seek out and connect with the Prime Minister’s spirit animal and entreat it to reconnect with him and guide him to the right path.

“She said our spirit animals were vital to us, as they shaped our personalities and influenced our entire lives.”

However, strange occurrences began shortly after the mystic went into a trance.

The witness said: “She called for the spirit animal to reveal itself in a vision as she gazed into the Realms Beyond. But then her face became a mask of confusion. ‘What is this spirit animal of Mr Johnson’s that I see before me?’ she intoned. Then she said: ‘Is it a…a slug? A tapeworm? A tick? A liver fluke? A scabies louse? A typhoid bacillus? Is it one of those small creatures that’s supposed to swim up the willies of people taking a leak in a tropical river and then lay eggs in their bladders?’ Then she went silent for several minutes before her final revelation.”

According to the witness, Mrs Liversage announced: “Ah, now I see all. Boris Johnson’s spirit animal is not an animal at all. It’s one of those cling-ons you sometimes get when you’ve done a particularly sticky shit, and which you can’t get to drop down the pan unless you spend a good five minutes wriggling about and shaking your bottom.”