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Boris Johnson delighted with pet cow called 'Ukraine' and promises to milk it every day

By Leppy Pardalis

Prime Minister Boris Johnson and wife Carrie have a new pet.

Ukraine the cow, according to the Prime Minister, is a fine family companion and a new friend for Dilyn the dog.

A Downing Street insider revealed that Mr Johnson was absolutely besotted with the creature, as it brings him comfort when ungrateful British people call him a lying, cynical and completely immoral and nasty piece of work.

“I’ve never seen the Prime Minister so happy with a pet,” said the insider. “Only this morning I heard him telling Rishi Sunak yet again about it, and it was a bit like those scenes between Lennie and George in Of Mice and Men, when Lennie is talking about the rabbits he plans to keep one day.

“‘I’m gonna milk it every day, Rishi!” the Prime Minister was saying. ‘Yes, every day. I’m gonna milk it and milk it, even during press conferences and TV interviews when those nasty old interviewers ask me tough questions about things like partying during lockdown, letting ordinary people starve and freeze to death while our millionaire friends profit, and about the Parliamentary Conservative Party being stuffed to the gills with crooks, harassers, abusers, perverts, doers of dodgy deals and assorted other wrong ‘uns.

“‘Then everybody’ll see me milking old Ukraine and they’ll say, ‘That Boris Johnson, he’s a nice, kindly sort of fellow really.’

“Mr Sunak was happy to play along, of course. He always is. In fact, he often tells Mr Johnson to look at some distant point and keep talking about nice things while Mr Sunak sort of creeps up silently behind him and points his index finger affectionately toward the back of the Prime Minister’s head. 

“It’s as if the Chancellor is rehearsing for something, although none of us can work out exactly what.”

Asked what would happen to the cow if domestic criticism of Mr Johnson abated or he decided he didn’t want or need to milk the creature anymore, the insider said: “Ukraine will be butchered, of course.”